October 25, 2009

G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra (2009)

Somehow this opened #1 at the box office and I used to watch the original series so despite 'worst movie of all times' review, and lacking anything better or will to watch anything intellectually challenging, I figured I'd see this. And oh what an experience it was. I won't go into all the logic flaws, for that and other hilarious bits, read Ebert's review, I believe he said something to the effect of 'sure to be enjoyed by those whose movie appreciation is defined by the ability to discern that moving pictures and sound are being employed to depict violence', though he did mention it was better than Transformers 2 (though it mainly had to do with the loud explosions having more bass and less hurtful to his elderly ears than TF2). Other than that, this had that distinct Mummy cheapness that Sommers is so known for. Sure, it's not sand that eats up buildings and weapons, it's nanomites, and sure Arnold Vosloo is Zartan and not some Egyptian high priest, and Brendan Fraser has only a cameo, but honestly, who is he kidding, this is basically 'Mummy in space' or whatever. If I had to pick one thing that bothered me, it wasn't the fact that they picked that 3rd Rock from the Sun kid to do Cobra Commander, it's that they didn't give the little bastard a better helmet (the one they gave him looked like a silver S&M mask with little fans) - much of the original's appeal was that flat, expressionless mirror-like face and StarScream's voice. I would much rather have seen something similar to what Pitof had in Vidocq. Also, the Baroness' lack of a Romanian accent sucked too. In the end, at least there was Dennis Quaid, like a friend said 'that guy's allright'. Yes. Yes he is. I just wish I didn't have to resort to Quaid as the up side of a movie, you just know there's something seriously messed with it if that's the case. Oh well, hopefully better Cobra commander helmet in the sequel, and maybe, you know, the actual cobra terrorists would be nice, not this whole Baron de Cobray bullshit.